Maddame Bippity LeFaux's: UN-DREAM DICTIONARY

 ~ Welcome Traveller, to Maddame Bippity LeFaux's magical guide to dream interpretation. Since the earliest civilizations, man has sought within the mystical realm of dreams for insight, answers, and revelations of past, present, and future concernings, as these were messages bestowed to him from the ancient Spirits themselves. After many millennia of records and documentation assembled from countless cultures the world over, a definitive book on dream images, dream environments, and dream experiences and their meaning has finally been put together. Brought to my hands from an exotic merchant, I have examined all the knowledge contained within and personally rectified some of the meanings with the Spirits Themselves so that I may assure you that every single definition here is exactly 100% correct and pertinent to everybody globally, regardless of race, life experience, or gender, and should be taken entirely literal, without a single grain of salt to it. So behold Curious One, below are the exact answers to every question you seek, and all that ails you. Be wary though, some of these texts have been known to make even the strongest of mortals go immediately blind, others who read it out loud make their audience go immediately deaf. The most fortunate meet great success in their immediate or far future, or meet a sudden death. Here, for your personal reference, is my Un-Dream Dictionary. Enjoy ~ 

A

Aardvark :
 To dream of an Aardvark is a very rare phenomenon. Ancient African folklore says that a charm made from Aardvark can help people pass through walls and doors. Therefore, a dream featuring an Aardvark is telling you that you will come across an ancient amulet that will allow you to pass through walls and doors, making you be known as The Master Thief. Until you accidentally drop it in the middle of walking through a wall, which will immediately remove your abilities and have you be known as The Cement. 


Abacus : 

Your cat is your heart. He is your soul. He is your son. He is your teddy bear. He is your everything. Too bad his orders are to gain your trust so he can then kill you..

Abyss : 

Much more often than not, you are hit with an urge to glance over at a digital clock, and find that when you do, the time is always 11:11. Be it am or pm, its always the same mysterious occurrence over and over again. This phenomenon is simply a message sent to you by your Guardian Angels to let you know they are nearby, and watching over you at that very moment. Unlike 11:12, which means they want you to know they're all watching you while you watch porn. 

Agitated : 

Things are looking up. Waay up, thanks in large part to you marrying a giraffe.

Alabama : 

You've become quite the wordsmith, which is normally a good thing, except for now when it got you kicked out of mime school..

Alaska :  

You are seen by others around you as the voice of a generation. That generation being all of Charlie Brown's teachers..

Alligator : 

This dream is telling you that in the coming days your patience will be tested, and you must keep cool at no matter what the cost. This is because very soon you will die and come back as a box of fudgesicles. 

Animals : 

So what if youre not tall, or have big dark eyebrows and black hair, or even any naturally tanned skin, or lots of money. Its not like you need to get with Puertorican women anyway. 

Ants : 

They say creativity is just bullshit well managed. But that office you opened up to practice your doctorate in animal hypnosis you won with Chuck E. Cheese tickets... that one's just plain bullshit. 

Apple : 

ابو اكبر ! قتل جميع اليهود ! أعداء الله في الجحيم الأبدية . الموت لأمريكا ! الموت لأمريكا
!!!

Apparition : 

...

Apple : 

What the hell was all that arab scribbling about? Was really no one else freaked out by that?

Argentina : 

Flattery is great and all, but in the end, it'll still seem very doubtful that any of those corpses will lend you the money to fund your space mission. 

Armadillo : 

Just a little longer. Just put up with all a little bit longer. Soon the tsunami will come and thankfully end it all, which wont be much of an inconvenience, since How I Slept With Your Mother will be on repeats all that week. 

Arms : 

You will finally find the long-lost brother you and your family have given up for dead. Conveniently enough, the whole time, he was inside that god-damn couch that eats everything.

Astronaut :

 To the rest of the wizards it will seem like you are destined for greatness; the one who lived through the clutches of almost certain death at the hands of unspeakable evil. Your name and tale will travel far across the lands, setting you off on an incredible adventure filled with action and mystery as you discover the true depths of your magical power while defending your school and maybe even the world itself, from the evil schemes of the horrible dark sorcerer that killed your parents as a baby. But really, you just know you're eleven years too late to be riding those coattails, and the most powerful magic trick you really have up your sleeve is the ability to get yourself really close to copyright infringement..

B

Bake : 

Keep at it, because sooner than you think, you will be rich and famous. This is because a busload of starving fat kids will confuse you for a giant Tollhouse cookie with a rich creamy filling. 

Bat :
To dream of the animal is a warning to guard your health. To dream of a baseball bat means you will make the starting lineup of the Louisville Bats.
 

Ball : 

A dream of balls is telling you that everyone in that elevator knew it was you who farted.

Balloons : 

This symbol in a dream means that in time, with patience and perseverance, you will achieve all three stars in every god damned level of Angry Birds. 

Beach : 

As the sages of acient yore predicted, it will only get worse, as the people will become so mercilessly consumed by evil, greed, and sin they will mutate into grotesquely disfigured demons of unspeakable horror. Abominations from the darkest pits of the most fowlest corners of Hell will cast untold punishment and torture on the land, turning civilizations into nothing but an endless sea of boiling fire and molten lava from which no living thing can survive, and the eternal sounds of wailing and the gnashing of teeth will echo through the blood-filled sky. Then, as the war rages, the creatures will converge into the final form, of a beast with thirteen heads, thirteen necks, thirteen tails, thirteen eyes, thirteen hundred jaws, and a dark crown made of burnt human bones on each head.  It will mercilessly eat all the souls of the wretched, so they will forever suffer in eternal damnation, all while Angels up Above cry at the sight of this seemingly eternal, disgusting nightmare. What the sages arent sure of though, is wether this is the final chapter before the battle of Armaggeddon, or the next season of that gross Jersey sewer shit show you sickos keep slithering to. 

Beat : 

Somewhere out there, there's a job that's perfect for you. For now, just keep mass murdering until a tv show notices. 

Bed : 

 So you missed that job fair. Its no big deal really. Any pain and anger you feel towards yet another kick in the ass by the cruel god that dumped you in this toilet life of broken dreams where you always have to continue being broke, directionless, clueless, lonely, miserable and still living with your parents while youre almost thirty, can all be cured by a warm bath, and one of those new razors your dad bought. Remember, if you see red that means its working. Chop-Chop Champ!

Bees : 

Dreams featuring bees mean that youre wasting valuable time laughing at Dane Cook. He isnt that funny. 

Bell : 

France Almighty it all makes sense now! All the recent wars and chaos, the dramatic increase in global catastrophes, the sudden onslaught of unusual climatological extreemes, the huge spike in greed and stupidity in the media, new life-threatening plagues, the unusual acceleration of the minutes and the hours.. Time to gather up all your evidence and show the world once and for all the undeniable proof: that on September 12th, 2001, God took a vacation from it all and innocently enough, left control of time and the Universe to Chris Farley, whom, to this day, keeps screwing things up. 

Berries : 

Every acient source from Archimedes on down agrees that to dream of berries indicates that no matter what happens to you in your life, you will always come out winning knowing that Lady Googoo will always look like a transvestite dressed like a clown.

Bicycle : 

Making Dwayne Johnson cry is just the latest example of how big a dick youre becoming. Cool it. 

  
Birds : 

 To dream of birds in flight means a sudden release of all your worries. To dream of a bird perched on a branch means the release will be temporary, so enjoy it while it lasts. The more the birds the longer the time in days it will last. If you see or hear birds singing it is a forerunner of happy social times ahead. If the bird or bird was singing in a cage then it means Biff is coming and you better have his homework done, McFly.

Butterfly : 

Somewhere, somewhere out there, there is a place, where music never died. Where movies never went to the crapper. Where Hollywood never turned into a cheap, one-trick whore. Where dignity, humility, and self respect are still present and noticeable in the hearts and minds of our leaders. Where sin and corruption are actually looked down upon and punished instead of rewarded and encouraged, and ignorant lust for money almighty is not the one God worshipped above it all. Sadly, you dont live in that world, but at least you can find comfort in knowing that you will be freed from all that hell tomorrow when a bus hits you on your way to the psychiatrist. 

C

Cab:

  (See 'Taxi')

Cat :

 Cats in a dreem vary dependingz on da colors! If yoo dreamz of a whait cats, den yoo will haz great good luck. If you dreems of a black cat, yoo will haz bad lucks, and if yoo dreem of any other color cats, you will haz mixed luck. If yoo dreem of Keyboard Cat, you will haz gud luck in biznizz. If yoo dreem of Ceiling Cat, then yoo will haz gud luck in luv. If yoo dream of yoor Cat can haz Cheezburger, then you will haz a strouk of luk in lolspeak!

Cake : 

 if you were eating cake, it means that it doesnt matter if its brown, too much sugar in your coffee is a one way road to diabetes. If someone else was eating cake, it means its only a matter of weeks until you get struck by an insulin truck. 

Candy : 

 Candy in a dream means you will be blessed with great good luck, or you will get a call from a friend asking for help, or you will have really bad luck, whatever. I cant believe youre still reading this shit. 

Cash : 

See 'Money'


Chest :
It's not so much your rampant pillaging and murder that bother the villagers but that you don't say please and thank you before and after.

Clay :

Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids! Unless Trix is the name of that single mother who skanks for another twenty bucks for her only son's future white-trash tattoo sleeve at that club you visit after you fail at getting women in the bars again. In that case, enjoy your unbalanced breakfast, Romeo. 

Cookies :

 Batman's comin' to get you. You wont know when, or where, but he's a comin'. 

Clown : 

If you could build a resume on masturbation, youd immediately be hired as CEO of Loneliness. Until then, get back to work! Those urinals arent going to clean themselves. 

Cop : 

This dream is telling you that while decorative holiday snowmen might look good in front of a Vermont home surrounded by silky blankets of bright white snow, it does not, NOT, look good in front of your cement house surrounded by blankets of green grass under 85 degrees farenheit in the Caribbean, Swingblade.

Cuba : 

This dream is telling you that no matter how hard you try, you'll never be able to convince Paul Schaffer that there are other ways to kiss Letterman's ass other than loud and obnoxiously.

Cups : 

In no time at all you will be a writer. A comedy writer. Because of your hysterical humor and gut-busting quick wit, you will soon be hired to write for Saturday Night Live. This will eventually lead to being hired to write for The Simpsons, where your unique energeric showbusiness potential will make you the room guy that makes even the other writers laugh.  Later, you will be offered a gig hosting a Late Night Talk show on weeknights following Jay Leno. In time, you will be offered to take over Leno's spot as host of The Tonight Show, fulfilling one of your greatest dreams. Then, just like that, as you're leaving the Universal lot after another hilariously great show, a giant peacock, who has been waiting for you to come out this whole time, will sneak out from within the shadows of a deserted alley, beat you on the back of the head with a blunt object, and rape your unconscious body, all in what police will later suspect as another LA gang initiation ritual. You will come-to weeks later in an LA hospital with blurrier vision, limited motor skills, and bird AIDS, all of which can thankfully be fully recuperated over time and with theraphy... except the bird AIDS. You also will have few memories of the attack. To calm your mind, you will turn on the TV to check up on things, only to find Leno sitting in your chair, doing your show and calling it his all over again. Weeks will pass, and the doctors eventually will deem you fully recuperated and fit to leave, which you do, first stopping at the CVS to buy prescription bird AIDS medication, and then immediately heading to the Universal lot, where you will bust in, demanding an explanation, and storm past the secretary who will chase after you yelling that Mr. Leno is busy right now. But you will march on through, continuing to ignore her while shoving a wimpy young excuse of a guard to the side as you approach Leno's dressing room, and kick it open, only to be shocked as you find him entering through the side window holding a bloody brick and dressed from the neck down in a very familiar peacock suit....

All the missing pieces of your clouded memory will immediately rush back into your head. The assault, the head-bobbing, Kevin Eubanks standing at the far end as a lookout.

You will rush in on Leno and grab him by the neck, squeezing his guilty veins as the unleashed animal within you rages out through your unmerciful hold. "WHY GOD DAMN YOU?! WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?? WE HAD A DEAL!!", you will roar through the blazing crevices of your gritted, gnashing teeth, as your widened eyes burn in vengeful hellfire.  Wheezing and coughing as he gasps for dear merciful life, a now bluer-faced Leno will  explain, "It wasn't...........my.....idea. He........he.....made me...... do it..........Please!!" Tightening your hold over his neck, you will demand, "Who is HE??" "....Please!.....I.....cant.....breathe!!!.......Please!..." Wanting answers, you will suddenly release your death grip, which will collapse a stunned yet relieved Leno to his knees as he gasps much needed air back into him. You will not wait long. Thats when he will say, "It was Jeff... <gasp> ... It was all <gasp> ...Jeff, he made me do it..... He told me to. That if I didnt, he'd..... <gasp, cough-cough>.... he'd.... my beautiful '55 Buick... he'd have it burned......" But Leno will be cut short, as the dressing room door will open yet again, and ten large men in black suits and dark sunglasses will enter the room, and surround you. Seeing you distracted, Leno will quickly scuttle out and escape, leaving you to fend for your own. You will attempt to chase him, but the men will grab you. You will throw the first punch, knocking one down, and starting an impressive fight where you will hold your own throughout four or five of them. But they still will be too much for you, and you will suddenly feel a giant hand wrap around your mouth and nose with a wet cloth that smells as if it has been just bathed in chloroform. Then you'll feel a punch in your left eye. Then a punch in the balls.  Thats when you will finally black out. 

You will slowly awaken to find yourself alone, dumped far off somewhere in a parking lot of the Warner Brothers' studio. You will believe you have been out cold for a while, since the blood in your lips will now have been dry by then, and a beard will now have grown on your face. You will limp into the studio to ask if there's a phone you can use, but the secretary will instead hand you a mysterious black suitcase with your name on it, and specific instructions for you to follow. She will then disappear. You will open the suitcase, to find a shiny crocodile skin pen, and a contract offer for a new gig, with a space for you to sign..

 This will lead to a show on TBS, where it looks like everything will finally be all right. Or will it?... But then again, who knows? Its not like any of this has ever happened yet. 

  If Carson Daley dreamt of this, then the dream has no significance whatsoever.

FUN FACT

~ Like the Greeks, the Romans believed that dreams were derived directly from the gods and could reveal the wishes of the gods. That, and that alone, is the only reason why you touch yourself in church. ~

D



Date :

 This dream is telling you that while there may be a million songs and melodies in the echeleons of music to choose from, Super Mario Brothers is really the only one that is worth playing on your ukulele, so dont stop. Police intervention is, after all, the sincerest form of flattery.

Daylight : 

Keep trying, because eventually you will become a paid, professional actor. You'll be in your 40s and it'll be one of those no-talent teen nickelodeon/disney shit shows they brainwash children with, but hey- crackmoney is crackmoney.

Daisies : 

You'll be dead soon. 

Diary : 

You'll be dead soon. 

Debris : 

You'll be dead soon. 

Demon : 

You'll be dead soon. 

Diamond : 

You'll be dead soon.

Dig : 

You're dead. 

 
Dog :
Dreams involving a large dog or dogs mean powerful protection is on the way for you. Small dogs in a dream warn not to repeat idle gossip, as it could bite you in the ass. Get it? Bite? Dog?  Wakka-Wakka?
Anyway, if the dog or dogs were happy it means pleasant social times ahead of you. If the dogs were happily barking it means them social times will weight heavy on your wallet. If the dogs were angry or growling it means someone is this close to doing a real dick thing to you. Probably God. Again. And if the dogs were barking fiercely, then it is a warning to not leave your motherfucking iphone lying around everywhere like there's no such thing as theft in the world.

E
 

Eating :

Eating in a dream is a warning to watch what you eat. You could be on your way to being a disgusting fat person.

Ears :

Ears in a dream are a warning to not repeat any gossip you hear, lest yous wanna gets whacked.

Elephants : 

To dream of elephants is a forerunner of long lasting health and happiness. Or the impending Apocalypse. Whichever comes first. 

Elevators : 

Dreams featuring elevators mean that even though your chihuahua is licking you inside your mouth as you sleep, you shouldn't let that keep you from the rest you deserve. 

(buscate dream definitions de Freud. Make jokes about Freud)

F

 Fairy:  
Youve got everything it takes to repel Evil- the Ocarina, the Master Sword, the Light Arrows, the acient Hyrulean Shield, and the Triforces of Courage and Wisdom. But Evil will run off in sheer terror when it all pales in comparison to your amazing ability to bash incoming barrels with a tiny hammer.

  

 

G 

Gate : 

 That favorite shirt you think looks hot on you really just makes you look like a dumbass. 

Ghost: 

To dream of a ghost means that you have acquired super ghost powers. You can now see and hear ghosts. And if you see Ghost Dad, then you have the added powers of Netflix. Also, stock up on pudding. 

Glass : 

To see glass in your dream symbolizes passivity or protection. You may be putting up an invisible barrier to protect yourself in a situation or relationship. If the glass is dirty, cloudy or discolored, then it suggests that you are not seeing something clearly. You need more clarity in a situation. To dream that you are drinking from a glass is an omen of good luck.

To dream that you are looking through glass represents your openness and non-defensiveness. Alternatively, you may be putting up an invisible emotional barrier around yourself.

To see broken glass in your dream signifies disappointments and negative changes in your life. Alternatively, it could be symbolic of an aspect of your life that is in pieces. A relationship or situation has come to an abrupt and untimely end. If you are walking on broken glass, then it suggests that you will be experiencing some heartache or pain.You are unsure with how to proceed with your life.

To dream that you are eating glass, highlights your vulnerability, confusion and frailty. You may have difficulties in communicating your thoughts across and getting the right words out. Alternatively, it may symbolize your hurtful and cutting comments. Perhaps you have been hurt or disappointed by something that someone had said. Or you need to be careful in how you phrase and word things or run the risk of offending others.

Goalie : 

What, EVERYTHING has to be a joke?! Chuckles has to be performing ALL the time??

Goat : 

Do you know how many clowns get laid? None! You know why?? Because clowns cant afford a sports car.

Groceries : 

Are you listening, ladies??? Do you know what that says about you all?? You preffer quantity over quality! A sports car? THATS what does it for you??

Gum : 

Next time you go tinkle, hold your pipi with your other hand. Thats what that means. 

Gun : 

If youre a girl, there'll be quite the surprise waiting for you when you get out of bed. If you're a guy, you should have your prostate checked.

H

 Ham:
It will be a bloody battle to the very end when you and the Crunchberries finally decide to commit mutiny against the Captain.  

I

Ice :
Ice foretells coming difficulties ahead. You shouldn't have messed with that retired gang of cholos at the retirement castle.




J


Japan:

Your usual catchphrase of "Shiver Me Timbers" will never really sound the same after you find out it's just another way of saying "Harass My Wood".



K 



 Kids :
 Those snotty, trailing, pokémon-playing, flailing and wailing walking busted condoms are a warning that a ghost will suprise punch you in the hoohoo sometime this week.



L


Ladder :
To be climbing up a ladder means a steady rise towards success in all that concerns you. To be climbing down the ladder means you're heading in the opposite direction of where you should be going to get the chicas and the Benjamins. To just see a ladder in a dream means Home Depot is having a 40% off sale on all yard equipment.
    

 Lime :
That army of trained Pakiderms you trained to murder the Prime Minister gone rogue will be the least of your worries when the Rubar Pie you made for your Prime Minister Assassination Party gets accidentally burned in the oven.  

 

M 

 

 Map : 
Map dreams are a straightforward meaning. You have a great sense of knowing exactly where you're gonna hide that hooker's body.

N

Nails :
As newly president-elect of the Silly Pants Association, you will face harsh criticism from your community when members of your group gang up on and violently beat, an unsuspecting person who is not wearing silly pants.


Ninja : 
To dream of ninjas means that several of them are watching you while you sleep. Waiting for the order.

Numbers :
How much you love her really doesn't matter. In the end Sears is still gonna want that mannequin's arm back.

O

Ocean : 

Dreams involving the ocean are pretty straight forward: You've wet the bed again and are moving all around it in your sleep. Enjoy your salty sea adventure, sailor.

R

Reptiles :

Any dream involving, lizards, snakes, turtles, tortoises, crocs, gators, salamanders, chameleons, geckos or any other slimy scaly green or brown four-legged friend is a warning to be on the lookout for italian plumbers this month. 

Running :
Any dream where you are running from something means a wish to escape from a current stressful situation or person/people. To dream of running toward something means you are persistent and determined in your goals. To dream you are trying to run but can't or your feet aren't moving as fast as you're trying to make them move, means a lack of confidence or self-esteem about some issue in your walking life. Quit being a pansy go kick some ass. To dream of unknowingly running off a cliff means that dang road-runner has tricked you yet again.  

S

 
Sky : 

To dream of a bright, clear sky on a sunny day with no clouds means smooth sailing on the path to you highest desires. A few clouds here and there indicate minor setbacks easily overcome. A cloudy sky means that courage and hard work will be needed overcome the obstacles on your way to your highest goal. A stormy sky means dont expect to ever move on up any higher than toilet cleaner at the Taco Bell, stoner.

Slap : 

 If you dreamed of slapping someone across the face, it means you should take a vacation. If you dreamed of slapping them on the ass, it means you should pay more attention to your love life. If you dreamed of slapping a baby, it means you are or will be, a terrible parent. To dream of being slapped across the face, means you vote Republican. To be slapped on the ass means coming recognition for a past good deed. To be slapped in the breasts means that you should be more active in your dangerous sexual illicitations. To dream of slapping someone, followed by yanking their nose, stepping on their foot and/or striking them with something means that you were one of the three Stooges in your past life.

Stairs :
Climbing up a set of stairs is good luck in a dream, heralding steady progress on your journey to reach your goals, while going downstairs means setbacks in your life, as well as a regression into your subconsciousness. To be afraid of going downstairs means a fear of confronting repressed emotions.
To dream of slipping or tripping on the stairs means a lacking of self-confidence in some goal you're chasing. If you trip or slip downstairs, it means your obsession with bananas is reaching a critical point. To trip or slip UPstairs (yes, UPstairs), means you're heading in the wrong direction in life with your recent decision to become the first animal Pope. A spiral or winding staircase(s) means you will inadvertently wind up as president and head event-planner of Al-Qaeda .

Slay : 

To slay anything in a dream means you should put the house and all your money on the Detroit Carfires to win the Superbowl this year. 

Sleigh : 

To dream of being on a sleigh ride means that it might be to your best interest to move to a colder climate. To dream of others on a sleigh ride means good times just around the corner. To just look at a sleigh means that your first born daughter should be named Sleighride.

Slide : 

Its high time you went to the gym and work those glutes and shed off some much needed extra pounds. Also, you should release Princess Leiah from her chains.

Submarine :

 In fifty years, all printed media will cease to exist, and you will be invited to attend the unveiling of the last printer ever made at the Smithsonian Institute. Unfortunately, they will ask you for the tickets at the door, which you wont have. The irony of it all will instantly kill you. 

Sue :

 To dream of suing someone means a stroke of money luck is on the way. To dream of being sued means a stroke of monkeys is on the way. 

To dream of a person named Sue means you should take up karate. 

Suit : 

 Get ready to live with your crazy-ass parents for another year if you dreamt of wearing a suit of any kind. If you dont live with your parents, you will move back home. If your parents are dead, you will inadvertedly get buried alive with them. If you dreamt of someone else wearing a suit, then the first half of this definition is a lie. If you dreamt of a celebrity in a suit, your car will need gas in the next month. 

Swings : 

To dream of seeing or swinging in a swing or a swingset means that there is no other way of dealing with your rich bastard uncle degrading you other than hardcore liquor, and the motherfuckin' music of George Thorogood. If someone is pushing you on the swing it means you should really take up that job at the meat restaurant even though you have to wear that gay cowboy hat. And have sex with gay cowboys.

 

T

Table :

 A table meaning varies depending on the size of the table, and what and how much of it, is on the table, but as a general guide, a large table with lots of food on it heralds a coming rise in status or money (whichever concerns you most). A large table with utensils and plates set up for dinner but with no food on it foretells surprise guests, and a large table with absolutely nothing on it means a period of loneliness is approaching. Don't worry though, it will be short. To see people sitting down at a table means a family gathering is approaching; the more people at the table, the bigger the gathering will be. 

 The dream meaning is slightly minimized if your dream featured a medium-sized table. A dream featuring a small table is the same as a large table, except everyone will be wearing trendy mustaches. 

Taxes :
No matter what you do, you are destined to spend the rest of your life to learn there's no such thing as destiny.

Taxi : 

 The reason your "friend" from college doesn't respond to your google chat messages anymore is simple: he doesn't want to be your friend anymore, and he is slowly trying to wean you out of his life. Its probably for the better though, as he is just about to be arrested and sentenced to twenty years for smuggling baby marmosets in his pants. 

Taylor : 

You know that diamond engagement ring you were long wishing for? Well get ready cuz this week you will find it lying on your ring finger. You will then black out from all the loss of blood stemming from your leg where mall security shot at you as you ran out of Zales on your way to the getaway car

Tea : 

 Drinking hot tea means you have made a wise choice regarding a recent decision. Drinking cold tea means you have made a poor one. Green tea in any form means money luck on the way, Chai tea means a lucky streak in love, lemon tea means good fortune in business affairs, and orange tea means a rise in your social life. A dream featuring Chamomile tea means a one hundred percent chance that you are the biological father of all those puppies. 

Team : 

To be in a team of any kind means that you will soon be met with a challenging situation. Whether or not you emerge victorious depends on weather or not your teams' clothes were washed with new Gain Scented Liquid Detergent with Active Colorguard Technology. 

Teal : 

To dream mostly in teal means you should switch from regular meth to diet, calorie-free meth. 

Tear : 

 Seeing a tearing in anything in your dreams means you have somehow recently caused a tear in the space-time continuum. Have fun being the great-grandfather of yourself. To tear anything in a dream means a lucrative career in pro-wrestling. 

Tears : 

Tears are a way for your body to release pent up pain, anguish, and sorrow from your itself. Therefore, a dream featuring tears is a way for your subconscious to release those same emotions from your psyche. To see others in tears mean you will be asked to comfort a person in distress. To notice tears coming from yourself means you are dealing with a difficult emotional issue with which you should seek professional counseling for. The more tears you shed in your dream, the more problems you face. Alternatively, the dream is a warning to stop having sex with onions. 

Tech : 

Any dream featuring technology of any kind means you gotta lay off the damn playstation for a while an go outside for a change. Do some cardio. Get some fat outta that chin, at least enough so it doesnt look like your neck is eight months pregnant. 

Teddy Bear : 

A teddy bear, or any other plush toy, in a dream means you are looking to regress to a more childlike state where life was simpler and Family Matters wasn't cancelled. 

Tee : 

Being fired from that seemingly lucrative job as Vice President of Citibank wont be that terrible when you discover the joys of your new permanent career as a unicycle salmon juggler at the pier.

Teeth : 

A dream featuring teeth can be good or bad, depending on the situation. If you see bright beautiful, orderly teeth, you have a bright future ahead of you. Yellow, discolored, and/or brittishly malformed teeth means you be somehow directly responsible for the coming birth of the Antichrist.

Ten : 

(See 'Numbers')

Texas : 

 To dream of the state of Texas or of being in Texas means you have recently messed with Texas. As a consequence, your next born son will be born retarded. Not to worry though, as through your powerful connections and shady ballot-disappearing tactics he will still become president of the United States. If you are from Texas, the dream is a warning to get out of Texas. 

Tick : 

A sudden rise in status is forecast in a dream concerning ticks, which is great news, if you consider going from a status of Hiv positive to full blown AIDS as great. 

Tide :

You might not like surprise visitors much, but that's just what you'll get this week when you find a flaming bag of poop and a hurtful note at your door. 

Toddler :

Dreams of toddlers are a lucky omen. You will eventually find the Fountain of Youth, which, upon dipping yourself inside, will instantly transform you back into a toddler. Unfortunately, as a toddler, you lack the advanced ability to swim, which means you will die before ever having known the pleasures of big hooters.

Toes : 

To see your toes in your dream represent the way you move and walk through life, either with grace and poise, or the lack of.  It also signifies your path in life. Alternatively, toes represent the minor details of life and how you deal with them. 

To dream that your toe nails are growing, symbolize an extension of your understanding in a particular matter. 

To dream that you lose or gain a toe(s) suggests that you are lacking determination and energy needed to move forward in some situation.

To dream that you hurt your toe or that there is a corn or abrasion on it, means that you are feeling anxious about moving forward with some pan or decision.

  To dream that someone is kissing your toe indicates that someone is trying to reassure and reaffirm your progress forward. They are motivating you to do better.

To dream of hairy toes signify you have shamelessly cut and paste the dream definition of toes from dream moods dot com, because it is two freaking fifteen am and you have to be in bed for an early job interview for some crappy job you're putting up with just for the check. 

Tortoise :

(See 'Reptiles')

Tuxedo :

(See 'Suit')

U

Umbrella :

If you were walking outside with an open umbrella it means you should prepare yourself for a short period of illness. If the umbrella was closed it means you will benefit from a long period of great health. If the umbrella was broken or dirty, it is a warning to stock up on stylish eyepatches, as a colony of black widow spiders will soon manifest itself inside and later eat, one of your eyeballs. 

Unicorn :

A dream where you see or are riding a unicorn is mostly a result of a digestive issue, and has no real particular meaning other than to stop eating so much Narwhale meat.

Uruguay :

Seeing or being in Uruguay foretells a coming surprise trip to Paraguay.

V

Vaccine :
Remember that the only protection against the incoming vampire attack is a silver spoon and a delicious bowl of crunchy chocolate cereal.


Venus :
The planet Venus is a powerful dream omen. If youre a man, it means you are successfully getting in touch with your feminine side. If you are a woman, it means you should step up your lezzing out with hot chicks.

W

Wash :
To wash yourself in a dream is a pretty straightforward sign. You need to put more ketchup on your rice.


Water :
Water is synonymous for the subconscious mind, letting you know what your mind is up to in its deepest darkest crevices. Spilling hot water on the floor is a warning to cool your temper. Spilling cold water means you should find a new hobby other than trying to teach squirrels to salsa dance. Drinking water means you should make more of an effort to stay active. Swimming in water means you will soon be too busy with a new venture. Seeing water in a pool or a bucket or something means you will finally meet that dude with the kick ass voice from the All-State commercials. 
Before I forget, clean water says you are emotionally calm and controlled, but dirty, muddy or murky water means your short temper will only lead to trouble when it one day finally mutates you into a violent green muscled beast that will sadly, only measure three foot nine inches tall.

X

Xylophone :
You will received a sudden surprise visit from your grandparents soon. Which is weird, since theyve been dead for twenty years.

Y

Yatch :
Its no wonder your Smurfberries arent in full bloom, youre using the wrong Smulch. 


Yard :
Keep at it, dont give up. In time and with persistence, you will eventually win her heart. That's just how it goes in the black market organ lottery.


Yeast :
Your one man acapella group, "Ecstasy with a dash of Rape", only appears inappropriate when you find out how offensively little slide whistle sounds are in your music videos.    





Z




Zebra :
"You're shining brighter than the stars!" is what will be said of you in the nearby future. Of course, it will be said by hospital surgeons as they attempt to remove a three-foot lit flashlight from deep within your anus after a 50 Shades of Gray bookclub meeting goes horribly wrong. 

 
~ I swear the other day, I had this dream that I took this canary in my cupped hands, and walked over to a mens bathroom in a nice hotel lobby, to try and sober it up cuz the canary was super drunk. Like, completely wasted out of his ass. I placed it in the counter where u wash your hands, that place with all the sinks- they were all really fancy and clean and u could hear elegant hotel lobby music playing in the bg. As soon as I put the canary down, he walked like two or three steps and just started throwing up right there. But the throwup came out as all this foam. But it was vomit foam. So gross. Then i tried putting a little cold water on his head but he fell over. Not making this up, i see something stuck in his mouth so i tried yanking it out, but i end up ripping off his outer layer of feathers, and im kinda freaking out a bit cuz his girlfriends waiting outside the bathroom worried and she asked me to help him. So hes lying out cold on the handwash counter and i look down at his passed out self and notice human teeth lined up inside his beak and theyre all yellow, and one of em is pulled out i think witha string somehow, and its lying on the floor not too far from his mouth, and theres still a little bit of cotton covering his beak so i start clearing it off sos he can breathe better. ~

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